


A Puddle of Sunshine

by emptyvessel



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Falling In Love, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, only slight!markhyuck, references to the weather
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 12:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17683145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptyvessel/pseuds/emptyvessel
Summary: When he looked at Jeno he saw the sun. Jaemin loved the rain, though.





	A Puddle of Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ephemeralyou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeralyou/gifts).



It was a normal night after dinner when Jaemin had a sudden realization.

He was minding his own business, wiping off the table after the whole family had dinner, letting his parents rest in the living room while he did the rest. They both had a long day at work and Jaemin figured it wasn’t such a big deal, cleaning up. His mother did cook and his dad had set the table up, so the baton was gladly received.

Earphones in, sleeves pulled up and gloves utilized. He was having his own concert by the sink, all ready to do the dishes that he was sure would end in thirty minutes top. His Spotify playlist was serving him well, carefully organized for occasions like this. Two songs went by before the first ad came, and like the cheapskate he was, Jaemin didn’t have the premium setting and had to listen to the whole 30 seconds of mild torture because skipping wasn’t an option.

It was an odd ad, a new one that he never heard before. Something about coffees being dependable when the weather was not. Don’t get him wrong, Jaemin loved himself some nice cup of coffee, but the ad got him thinking so hard that he didn’t even realize the plate he was holding was all rinsed off.

It was somewhere along the lines of rain being unfavourable and was considered one of the bad weather forecasts mother nature had to offer that had him a bit out of it.

He had never given it much thought before. Things had always passed by him, miscellaneous notions that were always at the back of his head but wasn’t thoroughly or properly considered. Jaemin didn’t think he ever had a favourite weather before, regarding every day as a blessing that he was able to find joy in. No matter how it was.

On days that were hot and sunny, Jaemin loved that he had an excuse to eat more ice-lollies and crank up the ac without getting nagged about electric bills whenever he comes home. It was also a reason for him to hit the library and claim one of the bean bags provided in the lounge room, not exactly wasting his day away.

On windy days, he’d do his laundry and let them air dry instead of shoving them in the dryer. His best friend Donghyuck had always found it weird that doing the laundry was Jaemin’s therapy, but everyone had different likings and Jaemin’s just happened to be grabbing damp clothes from his basket and hanging them up as he carefully pegs each one with the fancy wooden ones he picked up from the crafts store. He’d drag Donghyuck along with him, of course, and silently enjoyed how the sunkissed boy would grumble and complain but still hauled his own clothes to do the same thing.

When it snows, Jaemin loved burying himself under five layers of blankets with a hot chocolate drink ready on his bedside table. He also loved getting into padded jackets before he walks to class, and the way his boots would leave nice prints on the white snow. Winter fashion was always up his alley, appreciating how turtlenecks and long coats looked on his figure.

Now the rain. Thinking about whenever the sky goes dark and pavement gets drenched, Jaemin only realized just how much he loved it when it rains. He loved it much more than any other weather, it would seem. A smile slowly made its way to his face the more he thought about it, and Jaemin couldn’t fathom why the majority of the world population hated it, enough to consider it “bad weather”.

The rain was when the world slowed down. Where drivers are now forced to move without hurrying so much, where the sound of the water droplets hitting every open surface would drown away how noisy the world could be sometimes. Jaemin spent most of the rainy days by his window, if he was free, just staring outside and admire the peacefulness that came with it. If he wasn’t, Jaemin enjoyed pulling out his umbrella and taking the longer routes to class, and by the time he’d arrive his head was much clearer and his heart was always a lot calmer.

Sleep always came faster for him whenever it rains at night. There was just something so soothing about the way the water droplets trace down his windows, and he’d fall asleep without even realizing he had lost the race he had with the other droplet that wasn’t his impromptu choice. It was his favourite lullaby, his safe tunes.

People always associate the rain with bad luck and sadness, which he found bizarre. What was so bad with staying in and being able to light up some candles a bit early when the sun disappears a few hours before it should? Sure the rainbows that come after the rain was magnificent and beautiful, but so were the skies when a lightning bolt strikes across of it when it pours. The shades of dark purple and deep grey making art that were quite intricate for humans to understand. He thought they were breathtaking.

Jaemin loved the rain, and he wished other people would too.

 

 

  

 

  
Three days later, Jaemin was back on campus after the week of mid-semester break he very much needed. Midterms had drained his every ounce of energy and will to stay sane. At least now he had a few more weeks before finals, and that was peace in his time.

He went to class constantly for the whole week, smiling away Donghyuck’s comments about him being a total nerd, because he _knew_ he was one. Jaemin liked studying. Learning something new every day made him feel good, a self-reminder that he still had a lot to figure out about the vast universe.

It was on a not-so-serene Wednesday when he met Jeno.

Wednesdays were his least favourite day for the semester, because he had zero classes in the same building with his best friend, and was unfortunately forced to navigate around without Donghyuck. Wednesdays were always a bit too quiet from the lack of a certain cheerful presence talking his ears off. He’d never tell Donghyuck that, of course. Jaemin would never come out alive if that ever happens.

His last class of the day was in the auditorium, the speaker surrounded hall, so it wasn’t surprising that he didn’t know it was pouring outside when he stepped outside. A series of groans were heard from his fellow lecture-mates, and some gave Jaemin a tiny, confused smile at how unbothered he was unlike everyone else.

Jaemin walked away, quite happy with the weather. It wasn’t like the rain would kill anyone.

He always had his folded umbrella ready in his backpack, never taken out unless to be used for days like this. However, today, standing at the entrance of the building, taking in the pouring grey sky, Jaemin felt like walking freely under it. His backpack was water-proof now, thanks to Donghyuck’s wax spray experiment during their first semester, so it was just perfect.

Muffled. The sound of everyone running around with their plastic files covering their heads was muted by the rain. Jaemin found himself smiling as he walked to the empty bus stop. Most people still had class. It wouldn’t hurt anyone for him to hang out there for a bit, enjoy the weather for a slow second.

After a long day of class, Jaemin was glad for the rain.

As the next class hour approached, everyone was suddenly gone, getting into the comforts of their dry venues save for the few people who were also presumably done for the day. It was quieter now. And much quieter than any normal day. He liked that.

 

 

 

The serene atmosphere lasted for approximately two seconds after he said that. A boy with the top half of his baby blue sweater now drenched came running to the bus stop, grumbling angrily under his breath about the “horrible weather” as he dumped himself to the seat next to Jaemin.

His words were mostly inaudible, but Jaemin could tell that he was very annoyed that his clothes were now wet, and that he’d be totally stranded until the rain stopped. The way he said it was like his family had a personal history with the downpour. Jaemin tried not to pay attention, but he was getting kind of ticked off by it.

A stranger was not going to ruin his mood, not his calm heart for today. He had homework to do later that night, and he’d very much like to do it with a clear mind, and not one that would get angry at such a tedious reason.

Walking back home now, it was. A hot shower and a cup on warm tea would be very much enough to kick start him into his efficient routine.

Swiftly, he pulled out his umbrella, one that he could always buy again at the dollar store, and placed it next to the still angry boy. That made him stop grumbling, finally, now looking at Jaemin with a confused face.

“Have a nice day.” Jaemin smiled, and he walked away.

 

 

 

There was no doubt that he was soaked as soon as he stepped out of the bus stop. With no roof now above his head, his hair was drenched in a split second, and his sweatshirt became a little bit heavy from all the water absorbed. Yet Jaemin was smiling, feeling like it was the best day of his existence. He would like to skip around the shallow holes on the road, but being reminded that he was on campus and not at home made him not.

Usually, he’d get strange glances if he did what he was doing on any busy day, but since it was still the middle of the day and everyone was in class, Jaemin was allowed to take his time in the rain. One step at a time, trying his best to lengthen the distance to his dormitory.

It was probably only 20 seconds away from the bus stop when the rain stopped pouring over his head.

“What the heck are you doing? Why on earth did you give me your umbrella and walk into the rain like that? Are you crazy?”

Jaemin, startled, stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at the boy who was screaming his words against the loudness of the rain beside him with wide eyes. The guy was so near to him, trying his best to cramp both of them under the small-sized umbrella. Honestly, he wasn’t doing such a good job, because Jaemin could see his exposed, un-waterproofed backpack getting wet by the rain.

On impulse, Jaemin angled the umbrella to cover the guy’s bag. He could feel the rain on his head again. “Do people answer that? When you ask them if they’re crazy? What do they say, yes? No?”

The guy blinked confusedly at Jaemin’s little outburst.

“I’m okay. You’ll get your bag wet if you share the umbrella, it's for one person. Take it. I have another one in my room.”

He didn’t, but the stranger wouldn’t know that.

Jaemin saw his hesitation, so he gave him a pat on the shoulder and his megawatt smile (name courtesy to Donghyuck). “Go back to your room now, buddy. You looked like you had a really rough day just now. Go to sleep or something when you get there, I don’t know.”

He probably saw the unyielding look in Jaemin’s face. “Okay, um, where’s your room?”

“Just around the corner, east wing of the Aurora building.” The brunette shrugged. The guy probably felt bad, though he didn’t have to, his dorm was really just a building away. He’d arrive in no time. “Alright, nice talking to you. Take a shower when you get back, or else you’ll get sick. Bye.”

He thought he misheard it, but even through the loud rain, Jaemin caught the flustered “I should be saying that to you!” and that made him grin all day long.

 

  

  
Two days later, he found his umbrella all rolled up and balanced against one of the pillars at the entrance of his dorm building, and the note taped on it made Donghyuck squeal into his ear for ten minutes straight when he found out.

  

  

_thank you for lending me your umbrella,_

_i’d keep it but I needed a way to get this to you,_

_and i’d like to see you again,_

_if you don’t mind, of course._

_0XX-XXX-XXXX  -Jeno_

_p/s: i hope you didn’t get sick :)_

 

 

  

 

Jeno, Jaemin learned, was sunshine.

He had lived half his life listening to Donghyuck’s boyfriend Mark describe his best friend as the sun, and over time Jaemin tuned him out because he probably had every description already branded into his brain. At first, he considered it a biased opinion, but even someone blind could feel what a bright person Donghyuck was.

Now, getting to know Jeno, he wasn’t anything like Mark’s expressive love serenades to Donghyuck. He was another type of sunshine. And though Jaemin had always run with calling his best friend the sun, he only then understood the way Mark used such a beautiful illustration when portraying Donghyuck.

God, Jeno was exactly what Jaemin would describe the sunshine as.

He radiated so much warmth, with his polite words and his comfortable conversations. He was golden, captivating Jaemin with the way he smiles, gleaming and full of light. He was dazzling, like his eyes were made of diamonds that made it so difficult for Jaemin to look away. He was unnecessarily gorgeous, and Jaemin felt his heart skip so many beats every time Jeno runs his hand through his jet black hair, which was frustratingly every two seconds.

Jeno was also the soft kind of sunlight, the one that pierces through the trees in a forest at dawn. He felt like the ones that shined on a clear lake, reflecting on the surface like the water was home to a magical realm. And so, so gentle, like the sunlight breaking the skies every morning across the horizon.

Jaemin had never seen such an amount of beauty in one person.

And with Jeno, he felt it.

 

 

  
  
It was on their third “unofficial date” did Jeno ask.

They were having late lunch at Jeno’s favourite restaurant outside campus, the food unbelievably delicious. Jaemin was almost offended he never went to the place before, seeing that it was only 10 minutes away from the university. It was drizzling lightly outside, and maybe that was what prompted the question.

“I’ve been wanting to ask for a while, really.” Jeno started, his voice low like he was embarrassed to ask. “Why did you give me your umbrella that day, and then just walked away into the rain like that?”

Jaemin chuckled. He remembered not answering that when Jeno asked on said fateful day.

He placed his chopsticks down, leaning forward just so the ravenhead could hear him better. “I really like the rain. I was planning to walk through it even before you came, to be honest. It's just something I do when I feel like it, only when the mood comes. I was only at the bus stop to watch.” There was just something about how Jeno was paying attention, listening like this was the most important thing on earth. Jaemin felt himself falling. “And then you came and you were so angry with the weather, and I kinda felt sad. People always hate the rain. But I wasn't going to get angry at a stranger for being pissed at my favourite weather. That’s why I gave you my umbrella. You looked like you wanted to go home so bad that day.”

Jeno's eyes widened. “Oh my god, you wanted me to shut up.”

That pulled out the laughter in Jaemin, incredibly entertained by how scandalized Jeno’s face was. To put it bluntly, yes, he was trying to stop the boy from talking shit about the rain anymore at the time. That was spot on.

“I don't want to say yes, but, yeah. Kinda.”

Jeno turned into an apologizing machine after all that, and Jaemin didn't think he'd find it so endearing, but he did.

 

 

 

  
  
Their first date after Jeno asked him to be his boyfriend, which surprisingly took them a month, he took Jaemin stargazing.

His boyfriend (the word made Jaemin feel so giddy inside) was a physics major and was also an astronomy nerd. Stars were his thing as the rain was Jaemin's. Jeno could ramble on and on about the stars, what constellation was visible at what time of the year and where, what they meant, which was the brightest and which ones were barely visible; he knew everything. Jaemin, being in arts, had absolutely no idea of half the thing he was told but found the beauty in it effortlessly, thanks to Jeno and the beautiful passion every time he spoke about them.

Jaemin thought it was funny, because if that day at the bus stop didn't happen, he would've never met Jeno, if he were to be honest. Besides the fact that their majors don't ever share a building, Jeno was impossibly rich and Jaemin always had a _slight_ dislike with the stereotypical ones. And yet there he was, climbing up into Jeno's sleek black jeep to go to the stargazing spot an hour away, the backseat stocked with pricey snacks that would've cost Jaemin a whole month of food expenses.

He gave the boy a sour look when he noticed, but Jeno was faster in retaliating. “I know you don't like it when I pay things for you, but I kinda feel it's an appropriate time today and you've kinda been eating less because of the projects you have to hand in. Let me do this, yeah?”

How could Jaemin ever say no to those puppy eyes?

 

  

  
  
Jeno was a hopeless romantic, and it wasn’t surprising to Jaemin when he threw out a humongous blanket on the ground as a makeshift picnic cloth. It did, however, still made the butterflies in Jaemin’s tummy pull on the turbo gear, and he couldn’t help but fall more and more.

It was kind of dark, the top of the hill they were on, but the view was so breathtaking that it wasn’t even a problem. He could see all the lights from below, dim and distant, but so gently amazing. And despite that, the skies were still heavy with diamond-like stars, perfectly visible, and Jaemin felt so at lost with words.

“It’s so beautiful.” He breathed out, head tilted up to stop and stare. They were a little out of the main city, which explained how clear it was with the lack of light pollution. Jaemin understood why Jeno was so in love with it.

“Yeah, it is.” It was unnecessarily cheesy, how Jeno was looking at him instead of the sky when he said that, but he looked so sincere it was hard to brush it off. Jaemin felt his face burn, and maybe it was a great thing that it was dark.

The grass underneath them was soft, but Jaemin thought Jeno’s words were softer. He spoke with such tranquility, each and every word rolling out so effortlessly beautiful from his lips. He asked about Jaemin’s day, a usual routine of his, only this time verbally instead of just through text. He told Jaemin to eat more, piling up food in the brunette’s container while he mumbled under his breath about how Jaemin was getting thinner because of stress. He whined in pain when his finger got caught on something he was trying to take in the car, and spluttered into a mess of words when Jaemin kissed it better.

Being with Jeno made him feel like he had the sun with him even at night, the happiness in his chest was so profound that he couldn’t think of anything to equate it with. It was as if Jeno wasn’t giving him any choice but to take in every drop of joy he had to offer.

“You’re warm.” Jaemin absentmindedly said as he laid close against Jeno, eyes still taking in the thousands of stars hanging above them. This was the most relaxed he had been all month, mind completely free from homework or classes, now only filled with one name and nothing else.

_Jeno, Jeno, Jeno._

Said boy cleared his throat, a three-seconded silence coming to pass.  “There’s an extra blanket in the car if you want,” he sounded nervous for some reason, “I could go grab it for you. But you need to like, move over, but you're warm too, um yeah.”

Jaemin chuckled. He was so easy to read.

“Is cuddling okay? You won't need to get up for that, you know?” He teased, looking up to see an adorable blush gracing Jeno's cheeks. Cute.

The ravenhead malfunctioned again. “Why is it that you turn my brain into soup every time you do that?” He whined.

"Do what?”

“That!” Jeno sighed, basking in his defeat because Jaemin knew exactly what he was doing, if the smirk on his face was any indicator. “It's like you have a remote to turn off my senses every time you talk. Foul play, Na.”

“I'm doing absolutely nothing, Lee.” He came closer, snuggling into Jeno's chest, enjoying how he could feel how fast Jeno's heart was beating. “Maybe you're just whipped.” His own heart wasn't any better.

“I'm your boyfriend, that's my job.” He grumbled grudgingly.

Jaemin laughed. Definitely cute.

They took turns to talk, learning details about each other that they've never known before. Jaemin found out that Jeno was horrified of spiced drinks, and that they both shared the same love for animals. In between the conversations were suggestions for future dates at an animal shelter, a promise to prove that Jeno wasn't that hopeless of a cook; and Jaemin felt like something finally made sense in his life.

Jeno felt like the missing part of his equation. His life wasn't so bad before. He was thankful for everything that has ever happened in his life, but there was always something missing. Like looking at an incomplete jigsaw puzzle, able to get an idea of what the picture was but knowing just how important the last middle piece was to finally see the whole thing. Jeno was exactly that. His precious missing piece, now found.

“Every day I can't help but be grateful of your kindness to give me your umbrella that day. I wouldn't have tried to find you if you didn't, and we'd probably still be strangers right now.” Jeno stroked his hair softly, like the wind weaving its way into his strands. “We could've just sat next to each other while saying nothing, and I would've just never known you.”

Jaemin gave a thought about it, and disagreed. “I think we would've still found each other anyway. Somehow.”

The sun rises every single day without fail, and he believed that Jeno would always be present in his life, one way or another. His favourite sunrise, his significant sunset.

“That's a really nice thought. I like that version a bit more.” Jeno smiled. “I like you a lot more, though. I like you so much.”

 

His heart skipped a beat. How he wished time would stop forever at that moment.

 

“Lee Jeno,” the brunette pushed himself up, wanting to really study the only face that was in his head right now, “I think I like you so much, too.”

“Yeah?”

Jeno sat up, making the other boy pull back as he did so, and now they were both eye to eye. He felt himself physically getting lost in Jaemin's beautiful ones, unable to look away. The smile he was wearing was absolutely charming, and Jeno thanked the stars for this boy.

“People say it's rude to stare.”

“Oh?” He whispered, Jaemin making him all lightheaded. “You're doing it too, though.”

Jaemin smiled wider. “Am I? How rude of me.” But he had no intention to back away, and so didn't Jeno.

 

“Can I please kiss you?”

 

His eyes widened. Jeno's words made his head spin. He could feel his own heartbeat in his ears at this point. The nervousness in his eyes was probably evident, but he could see it in Jeno's as well, and a tiny part of him felt better knowing that they were both just as restless.

“Yeah.” Jaemin breathed out, and a second later his brain short-circuited completely at the touch of Jeno's lips against his own.

Jaemin had kissed a handful of people before Jeno, it wasn't anything new. But never, in any kiss prior to this one, made him feel like he was so high on ecstasy, like heaven was the ground he was stepping on. Jeno kissed him slow, as if he was trying to figure out what every touch would do and what every lick would trigger, and Jaemin was answering every question. He held Jeno's face so delicately in his hands, and felt himself losing his sanity as he felt the boy pull him closer by the waist and into his lap. They were so close Jaemin could feel the warmth seeping through their bodies, allowing himself to get lost in Jeno's gentle hold.

Every kiss made him lose his breath, every time their lips touch Jaemin felt like he just jumped out of a moving airplane with no parachutes on. Jeno's lean arms around his torso kept him anchored, as if he'd instantly float away if Jeno lets him go. His mouth was warm, and he tasted like the peaches they had a while ago, so unearthly sweet. And Jaemin wanted to taste it forever.

The world just fell away, disappeared as Jeno’s hand moved to rest below Jaemin’s ear, the other gripping the sides of Jaemin’s shirt like he was afraid the boy would vanish too. He felt Jaemin smile against his lips, and Jeno thought this must be a dream. No one should be this perfect. And yet there they were, the prettiest boy in his arms, kissing him back like it was just the two of them and the stars that existed.

“How on earth did I get so lucky?” Jeno whispered, placing another kiss softly against the corner of Jaemin's lips.

Jaemin smiled, thinking of the same thing. “Must be all the shooting stars you wished on.”

 

 

 

 

   
“I went to the bakery this morning, brought some of that chocolate cake you like so much,” Jaemin said when he heard the door of his room open, knowing it was Jeno because his roommate had already gone back for the weekend. “It’s in the fridge if you’re hungry.”

Jaemin chuckled at his own words. Of course Jeno was hungry, was there ever a day he didn’t act like he had been starving for ten days straight just after two hours of swim practice? It did remind Jaemin to cook something proper for Jeno later, maybe after he gets his readings done.

“You’re heaven sent.” Jeno exaggeratedly breathed out when he walked in, dropping a soft kiss on Jaemin’s cheek before he started devouring the dessert. The brunette gave him a small smile before going back to his book, highlighter in one hand while the other hovered around the handle of his coffee mug.

Jeno was quiet, he knew when to let Jaemin be when he was trying to study, but a short glance on the clock made him realize that Jeno was a bit too early on the schedule and he couldn’t help but wonder if something had happened. After a minute of trying to focus, Jaemin gave up and turned his attention fully on the ravenhead, who undoubtedly was treating the cake like it was his last meal. As always.

“You’re not supposed to be back until another half an hour. Something happened?” The swim team was nothing but disciplined, especially for training, so it really wasn’t odd for him to feel a bit bothered.

Jeno placed the plate aside, licking his lips to properly talk. “Coach didn't want us to get caught in the storm outside so he let us go early. Plus the lights kept flicking off because of the thunder and lightning, and we would've been swimming in the dark if we continued.” Jaemin nodded, now understanding. “Though, he did mention something about an extra hour next practice, but some of the guys have class so I think we're saved.”

“Are you sure he isn't the devil in a meat suit?”

The ravenhead threw his head back laughing, somehow finding Jaemin's words extremely funny for some reason. It was endearing to watch. Jeno laughs at the tiniest of things, and Jaemin would be lying if he didn’t find it fascinating. Apart from his crescent eyes that he held very dearly in his heart, Jeno’s short squeaks of giggles always made his day, no matter how bad it was. He laughs like he’s embarrassed, but his lips would stretch out so wide everyone from within a mile could see his perfectly aligned teeth gleaming. There would be crinkles in the corners of his eyes, and just like his emotions, Jeno’s laughter is always sincere, as well as they were contagious.

Lee Jeno was exactly the one perfect reason for Jaemin to call someone the sunshine.

Seeing that the boy was safely sitting on the bed just in front of him, Jaemin lunged forward to tackle him into a hug, pressing kisses all over his face because Jeno made him so happy and he couldn’t bear to just keep it all in him silently. The ravenhead laughed even more, holding Jaemin on the waist so they won’t accidentally roll off the bed, letting Jaemin do whatever he wanted to. It wasn’t like he’d complain. This was the best part of his day, fullstop.

“Someone’s happy.” Jeno grinned to his boyfriend after he had successfully flipped their positions, trapping Jaemin underneath him to make the excited puppy pause for a minute. Giggles bubbled out from Jaemin, his chest vibrating with happiness as he pulled Jeno down, right into his arms. He was happy.

The thunder rumbled outside, heavy rain hitting his windows just like how Jaemin loved it. Jeno was silent again, perhaps enjoying the calm atmosphere, definitely tired after hours of swimming. That didn’t stop him from burying his face into Jaemin’s neck, basking in the feeling that he wanted to keep forever.

“I think I could understand why you like the rain so much now. I’m so in love with it now.” He spoke, voice soft, like he was falling asleep. Jaemin hummed, running his fingers through the boy’s hair as Jeno rolled off, but kept them attached in each other’s arms just so he wasn’t crushing Jaemin under his weight. “I’ve never seen them in the way you do. Now all I can do whenever it rains is think about you and your beautiful words about it. How do you do that?”

“I drug your food every time you come over.” He yelped when Jeno poked his sides at that, dissolving into giggles again. “I just simply told you why I do. You fell in love with it yourself, sunshine.”

Jeno pulled away slightly, eyebrows raising. “Sunshine?” There was a questioning smile on his face.

Jaemin nodded. He had never said the nickname out loud before. It felt good to let it out, finally. “Sunshine. You’re my little ball of light. My very own sunshine.”

“I hate to break it to you but the sun isn’t little, babe.”

“Oh shut up, you space nerd.” Jeno laughter filled the air once again, slowly disappearing as he pulled in again to close his eyes.

His sun needed rest. Right beside him, just within reach.

 

 

  

 

Just like the weather, infinite brightness was impossible. And though Jaemin wouldn’t dare analogize it with the rain, as most people would, he had cried enough to make it feel like a thunderstorm.

Maybe they were both just tired that night. Jaemin had been staying up for so many nights, and Jeno had too many last minute assignments that he had to finish, and with finals coming in two weeks the both of them were just freaking out. This semester was difficult for the both of them, but still, they found time for each other, making sure to always be on the phone and talk for at least half an hour since physical meetings were almost impossible.

Exhaustion was all it was, and Jaemin stubbornness had sparked it off.

He was always hard on himself, since he wasn’t from a well-off family, and he knew he had to work his ass off in his studies. To him, that was the only way. Jaemin was paranoid, he always had been for finals, because yeah, Donghyuck might say he was enough of a genius to get all A+ for every semester he takes, but what if he couldn’t? What if he missed a vital thing and forgets it during the exam? What if he didn’t reread his notes enough?

Before this semester, he had to listen to Donghyuck’s nagging all night long about how it was unhealthy to down three cups of coffee at 2 AM and only getting four hours of sleep every day just to study, but now since they were no longer roommates, Jaemin could finally do whatever he wanted to do in peace. His own roommate could probably care less, the guy wasn’t even in the room a good majority of the semester. Jaemin had all the freedom he needed.

It wasn’t until that one day, that one horrible day that Jeno decided to surprisingly drop by did it all went to shit.

They’ve never actually fought before, because thankfully both of them communicated very well with each other. Every argument probably lasted for a maximum of an hour, resolved by perfectly constructed words that Jaemin wondered if they’d excel if they both took law instead of their respective courses. This one, however, didn’t go all that well.

It was probably 8 in the evening, fairly early in the day for Jaemin to be asleep. He was on his fourth journal article for the day, notes scattered around his desk from all the studying he had been doing non-stop. Study week thankfully meant they were finally free of classes, and initially he had wanted to take a few hours off to take a nap. However, there was this one thing that he couldn’t quite grasp earlier, and had been spending half of the day just searching it up and he was getting a bit frustrated at it.

He was thankful for Jeno, and the huge bag of takeouts he had brought along with him. Despite that, the frown on the ravenhead face when Jaemin opened the front door up wasn’t a very good sign, and the fact that Jeno didn’t come in himself and knocked instead was a clue that things were about to go downhill.

Jeno said nothing as he came in, walking into Jaemin’s room like a robot under orders, and it genuinely scared the brunette.

“Is something wrong?” Jaemin asked, closing the door behind them. Jeno placed the food on the floor silently, since his desk was such a mess there wasn’t even room to put a pencil anymore, and Jaemin felt his heart clench at the uncomfortable silence.

Jeno pulled him down to sit on the bed, his eyes closed as he breathed in deeply, this one habit he had to organize his thoughts.

“Hyuck and Mark both called me half an hour ago, telling me that you haven't eaten for the whole day.” With that Jaemin sighed. Trust Donghyuck to still find a way to do this.

Jeno’s eyes hardened. “They’re your best friends babe, and they care for you. Don’t act like that.”

He snapped. “Don’t tell me how to act.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Jaemin immediately regretted it. He saw how Jeno’s face changed, and he felt like he had just been punched in the gut. That was a look filled with disappointment, and he had never seen it on Jeno before. Especially not at him.

“Jaem, look at you! Did you look into the mirror today? You look like shit. You look exactly like what a person would look like if they’ve been living on coffee for a week straight. You can’t put off eating and sleeping just to study. That’s crazy.” Jaemin winced at the tone he was using. “You told me you were going to get lunch when I called earlier. You’re lying to me now?”

If it was one thing Jaemin hated the most, it was being called a liar. “What? So I can’t change my mind now? I can’t say I was gonna eat and then I didn’t feel like it so I didn't? That makes me a liar now?” His filters were all shut down, fists clenching on his sides. The coffee in his system wasn’t helping at all. “You’re so selfish. I’m doing this to make sure I don’t end up on the streets when I get out of here. I have to work my ass off because my parents are not wealthy CEOs that wipe my ass with money when I was little. I need perfect grades to get a job when we graduate, unlike someone who already has a perfect future ahead of him.”

Yes, he shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t even mean to say it. Jeno was never excessive with his money, and had never once pushed the fact that he was wealthy in front of anyone, ever. Jaemin wanted to say that it was the fatigue that got to him, but even if it was, he really should’ve just kept his mouth shut.

The look on Jeno’s face was the worst thing he had ever seen, period. Jaemin’s heart broke into tiny little pieces when the usual bright eyes stared back at him with so much hurt, no warmth whatsoever. And he didn’t blame him.

This wouldn’t have happened if he just listened instead of running his mouth.

“You know who’s selfish here?” Jeno growled as he stood up, chest pumping with anger. “You. You who push the people who very much care about you away, you who can’t see anyone but yourself in this whole situation.”

It hurt so bad.

“Do you know how worried Hyuck was when he called me? Mark was begging me to make sure you eat and rest because your best friend is freaking out that you might end up in a hospital because of this. Because no one does this Jaemin!” Jeno was screaming at this point, and Jaemin couldn’t even register how shocked he was because Jeno never raises his voice. “I tried to give you your study time these past few days, accepted it every time you reply to my texts at 4 in the morning, still doing- whatever the hell this is you’re doing.” His hands flailed out, gesturing to the heaps of papers everywhere in the room. “I'm worried about you all the time but no, all you see yourself. And you wanna talk about selfish?”

Jaemin wanted to say that he was sorry, but the words couldn't get out, not when Jeno's were sinking in.

“And you know damn well my parents’ money mean shit to me. Why would I even bother studying and meeting all my deadlines if I could just waltz out of here with a half-assed degree? It's because I want this just as much as you do, but you don't see that. You see people messing up your demonic routine instead of friends who care for your well-being. You see yourself failing instead of all the success you already have. This is killing you, Jaemin. This is killing me too.”

Jeno sounded so heartbroken, so disappointed and Jaemin knew it was all because of him. He wasn't even looking at him in the eyes anymore.

“Whatever.” The ravenhead sighed, head hung low. “Do what you want. Don't eat, don't sleep, fucking study all you want without resting. I don't wanna care anymore. You don't seem to want me to, anyway. I'll tell Hyuck to not bother any more, too.” Jeno yanked the door open. “Goodluck in your finals or whatever. You probably don't need it.”

The sound of both doors slamming shut broke Jaemin beyond words. He did this to himself. Everything Jeno said was true and it hurt so, so much. He didn't even know what to say.

It took him a glance at the takeout bag sitting at the edge of his bed and then Jaemin was sobbing, the pain settling in and his mind was just filled with Jeno's pissed off face and his tired voice. Tears streamed down his face like a broken pipe- it felt like his heart was wrenched out- and he felt so horrible and disgusted with himself for everything.

How could he say that to Jeno, to Donghyuck and to Mark? How could he be so heartless, so stubborn, so _selfish_?

Everything came crashing down on him, the caffeine in his veins, the exhaustion in his every limb, the pain in his chest; they all hurt too bad now. Jaemin sobbed into his sheets, still hearing how angry Jeno was in his head. Apologies flowed out if his lips like a river, but sadly no one was around to hear it except for himself.

He was alone now. Just like what he wanted.

 

 

  

Jaemin cried. He wept until his head hurt, until his lungs felt out of breath, and then he kept on crying. It was quiet outside, the rain not there tonight to ease him out or to make him feel better. Maybe this was his punishment for only thinking about himself. Maybe this is how the universe wanted him to suffer.

His legs wobbled as he tried to get up, only then realizing just how right everyone was. He could barely stand anymore, feeling like he might fall over any second now. Not having the energy to move, he allowed himself to fall back down onto his bed, choking up another sob as Jeno's words replayed in his head like a broken record.

_I don't wanna care anymore. You don't seem to want me to, anyway._

His worst thoughts came to him without a warning, haunting his mind. Jeno hated him now, Jaemin would hate himself too if he was in his shoes. How could he say that about his family? How could he call him selfish, Jeno, the most selfless person he has ever met? How could he do that to the person he loved, hurt him and push him away because he only cared for himself?

Jaemin felt sick in his stomach.

 

Love. He _loved_ Jeno.

 

The realization made him cry harder. He couldn't lose Jeno, he didn't want to ever lose him. Jaemin couldn't even imagine life without his sunshine, and realized that every dream he now had, had Jeno in it. The life he now wanted in the future, all of them had one constant in it, and it was his sweet, selfless boy that he'd give the world to. The thought of losing Jeno had never come to him, and now, he might've just dug his own grave.

Jeno wouldn't want him anymore. He hurt the person who cared for him the most. Jaemin could visually see the pain in Jeno's eyes before he left. There was no way he'd forgive him.

His tummy flipped and Jaemin ran as fast as he could to the toilet, his body hauling out whatever it was he had inside. All that came out from his mouth was black liquid, all the coffee he drank and not one single trace of food seen. It was barely even there, and in the end, he was only vomiting out bile. He felt so weak, he couldn't even breathe.

By the time he was done Jaemin felt like passing out, body shaking as he plopped down on the toilet floor, legs no longer able to support him.

Jeno didn't want him anymore. He fucked it all up.

Jaemin waited, waited with his tears in hopes that Jeno would walk back in and let him apologize. He waited even until it was past midnight and he knew that Jeno was probably asleep tonight all pissed at him, but no one came and he felt like he deserved that.

In the end, he allowed the darkness to swallow him in, and gone was his only sunshine.

 

 

  

 

He woke up thirsty, head spinning and physically tired. Jaemin didn't know how long was he out, but he could feel the buzzing in his head, the numbness in his fingers, and that wasn't good. That wasn't good at all.

Jaemin made an attempt to get up, only to realize that it wasn't the cold, hard tiles underneath him. He was on a bed, one that didn't feel like his own at all, and that instantly woke him up. The first thing he saw was his roommate's face, and the white walls behind him.

“Hey, hey, you're okay.” The words echoed in his ears, like he wasn't quite there to listen correctly. “You're at the campus hospital, just calm down okay. I'm calling the nurse to inform them that you're awake, so don't freak out, yeah?”

Hospital. Nurse. Yukhei looking like he just woke up. What was going on?

“What happened?” He croaked out, confused. His throat felt so dry he felt like it was going to start bleeding. Yukhei seemed to pick up on this, and poured a glass of water for him just for both of them to find out that Jaemin wasn't even able to hold that by himself.

“I can help you, no worries.” The taller boy carefully fed him the water, and Jaemin felt like crying at how powerless he felt. This was the worst. He felt like death.

“I found you unconscious in the bathroom last night. The front door was unlocked and your shoes were there but you weren't your room, so I kinda went searching.” Yukhei placed the glass down on the bedside table. “Almost gave me a heart attack when I saw you unconscious in the bathroom floor at 1 in the morning. I thought you were drunk or something, but you were burning up so I called an uber and got you here. They pulled you into emergency immediately.”

Jaemin's eyes widened. Last night. Jeno. Their fight.

“Did you tell anybody about this?”

The taller boy scratched his head, his face grimacing. “I know you have a boyfriend that comes over often, but I kinda don't know him so I didn't know how to contact him. I know Donghyuck, but I didn't have his number too so I think the doctors only called your parents last night. Your emergency contacts. Your mom called an hour ago and I picked up, sorry for that, but your parents are on their way here, just a heads up.”

Jaemin’s felt his heart drop to his stomach at the mention of Jeno’s and Donghyuck’s name. Does he even have a boyfriend anymore? Was Donghyuck even his best friend anymore?

“Thanks, Yukhei. I'm sorry I troubled you so much. I'll pay you back for the uber later, okay?”

Yukhei shook his head furiously, eyebrows furrowing. “You don't have to. If anything, I feel bad about not knowing stuff about you. If only I knew more, it would've been easier. Your boyfriend is probably worried sick right now.”

The pained laugh came out instinctively, and Jaemin physically felt the hairlike crack forming in his heart at that. “No, no. I'm kind of glad you didn't manage to contact him. We fought last night and I don't think he wants to see my face right now.” He sighed, quickly catching himself. “I'm sorry, you don't need to listen to my problems. I'll shut up now.”

His roommate sat back down, head cocking to the side. “Is he the reason you were vomiting last night?” Jaemin cringed. He probably didn't flush all that stuff down the drain.

“No, it wasn’t his fault.” He shook his head. “I wasn’t taking care of myself this past week and he got angry because of it. We kinda argued a few hours prior and I said some really upsetting stuff to him because I'm an idiot like that. I was so sad about the whole fight, and along with the exhaustion, I guess I just kinda blacked out you know. I don't think he'd even show up if you were to get hold of him. That would hurt me more, so I'm glad you didn't.”

The nurse came in right after that, and after a long lecture about Jaemin being malnourished and exhausted to the brim because of his fucked up study routine, they set a few rules and medication, as well as an order for Jaemin to be on complete bed arrest. Yukhei seemed a little too happy when he was appointed to make sure Jaemin was resting, and it made him wonder why weren't they closer, even as roommates. He seemed like a wonderful guy.

“You know,” Yukhei started when the nurse finally left, “you shouldn't have that little faith on the guy. One argument wouldn't break relationships apart, or at least it shouldn't. I wasn't around that much, but whenever he comes to our room the guy looked like you hung up the stars in the sky for you. Don't push him away. He has the rights to know about your condition right now.”

Yukhei placed his phone beside him, giving him a look that told him he should really call Jeno to talk. “I gotta go now, and I think your parents might be here soon. I'd love to meet them, but I think I'm too much of a mess right now to be proper. Plus you might want some privacy, so I'm gonna get going, okay?”

Jaemin held his phone, nodding. “Thanks for helping me out, Yukhei. I owe my life to you.”

“It's cool. I'll see you when you get better, okay? Maybe we can finally have roommates movie nights together when you're back.” Jaemin laughed at the enthusiasm, and made a mental note to remember that.

The room fell silent as soon as Yukhei left, leaving Jaemin alone with his thoughts and the IV drip attached to his wrist. He was still exhausted, but the meds they had put in him had probably worked because he felt a little bit better than last night. Despite that, his phone felt heavy in his hands, like he was holding a brick instead of a mere communicating device.

He wanted to call Jeno, so bad. He wanted to apologize, tell him that he was sorry and that he'd understand if Jeno wouldn't forgive him. Jaemin knew how harsh his words were last night, and it wasn't fair if he expected Jeno to instantly accept his apology. He should also call Donghyuck too, do the same thing and just accept how terrible he was at being a person.

The fear of truly losing the people that mattered most to him made him put his phone down, and the tears just rolled down naturally and immediately. He was too much of a coward to do it, couldn't bear to face the rejection just yet.

“I'm so sorry, sunshine.” He sobbed, burying his face into his knees and cried until his chest started to hurt. Couldn’t they just knock him out again? Give him a bucket of morphine so the pain would go away?

Jaemin heard the door fly open, and he was so ready to fall into his mother's arms and cry in her embrace, desperate to have someone familiar talk to him about what a mess he had made. His mother would understand, would surely give the best advice, because honestly, he didn't know what to do anymore. He felt so lost and alone, he just needed to see her and break down completely.

“No, sweetheart, why are you crying?”

His eyes widened at the voice, which was surely not his mother's, and his body immediately turned rigid as he realized that Jeno was standing right there, gasping for air as he walked over.

Quickly as he could, Jaemin wiped his tears away and pulled his head up. His throat constricted as Jeno came close, and immediately pulled him into his arms.

_What?_

“You fucking scared me, you dumb idiot.” Jaemin felt paralyzed, not hearing one single bit of anger in Jeno's soft voice, nor any trace of anything that was there the night before. He sounded relieved, if that even made sense, and the fast breathing against his neck made Jaemin felt beyond confused there wasn’t even a word to describe it.

“H-How? What are you-”

“Your mom called Hyuck and he called me. I just didn't think and ran here as fast as I could.” Jaemin winced. Right. He forgot about that. Sensing the silence, Jeno pulled away, holding Jaemin's face delicately in his hands. “Of all the things I said to you last night, getting into the hospital was the one thing you had decided to do, huh?” There was the usual fondness in his eyes again, the gentle smile gracing his face like it always had.

It was just instantaneous that Jaemin started to cry again at the mention of last night.

“You're not mad at me?” He trembled through his tears, wondering if it's just some fucked up dream his mind was playing.

Jeno chuckled, but his thumbs still moved to wipe Jaemin's tears away. “I'm hella pissed at you, I'm not even joking, but I'm more angry at myself that I left you alone last night when I should’ve made sure you were okay. What if your roommate wasn't there to bring you here? Fuck.” Jeno was crying too now, and Jaemin panicked. “I would've lost you and I don't think my ego is at all that important right now. God, I could've lost you, Jaem. I could've lost you while you were upset with me. My last words to you would've been that I didn't care about you. I lied. I do care, I care so much about you. Please don't do it again, my heart shattered when Hyuck called me just now. Don't do that to me, I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you.”

He said everything with so much sincerity that Jaemin felt so unworthy. This was the guy he tried to push away. What a goddamn idiot.

“I thought you wouldn't want to see me anymore. I thought you didn't want me anymore.” Jaemin struggled to get his words out with the lack of air getting into his system. “I hurt you and said so much mean things to you. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean them. I’m sorry.”

“I know you didn’t.” The sun was forgiving, and Jaemin felt like there was no way he deserved this. “It hurt like a bitch, and I did spend my whole night thinking about it, but I knew it was your exhaustion. You slept for a whole of 7 hours in two days, Jaemin. I’d be a jerk if I took your words as the truth.”

Ever since he stepped into this room, the remorse on Jaemin’s face was too much for him to bear, and Jeno hated it. He hated the wires connecting Jaemin to the monitors. He hated how lifeless his usually soulful sweetheart looked. He despised even being in the room, because if they had just talked it out last night, they wouldn’t even have to be here.

Jeno sighed, but his heart felt lighter than the night before. They could work this out. They always do. “We’re not done about this, okay? We still need to talk about this. But we’ll _talk_ about it. Not yelling things we don’t mean. No letting each other cry to sleep. I want to hold your hand, help you out with your daily routines, make sure I understand everything from your side before I say anything. I’ll make sure to help you get your A’s while also making sure you’re well rested. Is that okay?”

The warmth in Jeno’s words welcomed him like an old friend, as a safe blanket draped over his shoulders, and Jaemin just knew right then and there that he’d never let this person go. Not when Jeno had done so much for him, and was willing to do so much more.

So he nodded, a smile filled with a promise given to his sweet little sun. “I think I'd like that very much.”

Jaemin didn't need the rain to feel at home. He had Jeno, and that meant he already had it all.

 

 

  
  
His parents had offered to bring him back home, said they didn't mind if they needed to drive Jaemin to his finals every day when it comes. His dad had a very thorough chat with the doctor when they arrived, while his mother came straight in while he was in the middle of crying his eyes out into Jeno's shirt.

It was a bit awkward to say the least, but Jaemin felt nice to finally introduce his boyfriend to his parents. He did wish it would've been under a different circumstance, but Jeno only had to give his hand a comforting squeeze and his usual smile, and Jaemin felt all better again.

Jeno was quiet most of the time, only answering when being addressed. He looked tired as well, the bags under his eyes so evident that Jaemin's mother had even offered to bring him home too. It wasn't so silent now, but due to the situation, his parents thankfully weren't asking that much questions.

Jaemin did reject the option of going home, though. Aside from not wanting to drop waste his revision week (which earned a meaningful, we’ll-definitely-have-a-chat-about-that-later look from Jeno), Jaemin didn't think it was worth it for his parents to drive back and forth for an hour just to get him to his exams. He'd rather stay on campus and walk a mere five minutes to the exam venues. Plus he'd be better in no time, and he still needed to apologize to Donghyuck and Mark, which he sternly wanted to do in person.

They seemed reluctant with Jaemin's disagreement at first, but Jeno assured them he'd keep a close look on their son if he did decide to stay, so maybe that was what made them accept. They didn't stand a chance against Jeno, honestly. With that polite smile and his gleaming manners? His mother was pouring out hearts from her eyes. His dad looked like he'd discuss football games over dinner with Jeno.

Which would make that bad. The swimmer hated field sports with his soul. He’d tell Jeno that later.

 

 

  
After lunch, it was just Jaemin and his parents. Jeno had left, and it took a little bit of persuasion from the sick boy before he finally agreed to go back to his room. Honestly, the only reason he wanted to stay was because he knew Jaemin’s parents had to leave in a few hours, and he really didn’t want to leave Jaemin to spend the night alone, not after what just happened.

“I might get a bit bored, but that’s about it. This is a building full of medical professionals, Jen. I promise I’ll be alright. Get some sleep, okay?”

The ravenhead rolled his eyes, subtly so Jaemin’s parents wouldn’t see. “You make it sound like I’m the one connected to a bag of saline.” He grumbled, sighing as he stared a second too long at the drip. Jaemin gave him a small smile, a silent promise that he’d be alright, and a voiceless assurance that it wasn’t his fault. Jeno had been blaming himself for what happened, he knew, and Jaemin also knew it would take a long time before Jeno would stop feeling like that but he understood.

Jeno was hard-headed like that. Too considerate. Too kind. Too beautiful.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” It was more than just mere departing words. Jaemin could hear the beg for assurance under Jeno’s voice, and in the gentle touch he left on his shoulder. It placed a jab of sorrow in his gut. It was as if the sun was now weary of himself, of his own light. Jaemin promised to himself he’d fix everything as he watched Jeno say goodbye to his parents, smiling at the gratitude they were endlessly giving to him.

He was a man on a mission. Jaemin swore to only make Jeno happy, and would settle for nothing less than that.

“I know you’ve told me he’s wonderful, but darling, that was an injustice to the real thing.” Jaemin smiled at his mother’s comment. Her eyes were shining with excitement, and if he wasn’t filled with so much love for said boy at the moment, Jaemin would have blushed. He didn’t, because that was exactly what Jeno was. Beyond wonderful.

“He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

 

 

 

 

“You wanna know why I call you sunshine?”

Jeno stopped playing with Jaemin's fingers to stare at him, a bit surprised at the change of subject. They were discussing the whole house arrest situation, coming to a conclusion that Jaemin was to fully rest for two whole days before he could even be allowed to pick up a book. It surprised Jeno how easily the had agreed to the rules, but was happy nonetheless.

“There’s an actual reason behind it?” Jeno smiled, amused. Jaemin answered with a simple nod, finding himself unable to look away. He was so, so mesmerized by everything that was Lee Jeno. So lost in his beautiful thoughts of the most beautiful person that he was momentarily unaware of the silence Jeno was giving him, a sign that he was listening.

The words were burning in his chest, begging to be told.

“I don't think I'll ever get close to a perfect description, but for now, I'll settle with the best one I have.” Something in him was nervous. Jaemin figured out a second after that it was his heart. “You remind me of this one day when I was six. I went to a river in my hometown, in the forest behind my grandparents’ house. We went in the morning, when the sun was barely there, and I stayed in the water until my lips were blue. My grandma begged for me to come out but I begged for her to give me ten more minutes. It ended up being a whole hour, but that's not the point.”

Jeno laughed, and Jaemin's heartbeat quickened.

“You see, the sun, it wasn't like I've never seen it before. I've been outside, obviously.” He heard Jeno's small voice whisper _could've fooled me_ and in return he gave him a poke on his sides, making the boy squirm to get away from being fully tickled. He ended up having to wrap his arms around Jaemin, holding him in place because he knew exactly what would happen if he didn't.

“Sorry, continue your story,” he quickly said, “I'm enjoying it.”

Jaemin ended up relaxing in the embrace, appreciating the serenity that came with it.

“I remember just playing with my plastic boats I brought along, minding my own business, when the first ray of sunlight came through the trees above me.” He felt a bit dazed, his mind trying to recreate the memory once again. Jaemin didn't have to try hard for that, it was literally written on the back of his head like a user's manual. “It was so beautiful. I couldn't stop staring at it.”

“I loved the sun before, no doubt, but this one blew me away. It was just a soft light, just that one single ray of sunshine in the middle of the river, but I was captivated. My grandma even thought I had slipped underwater because I was too quiet.” He chuckled at the throwback. That bit always made him laugh. “But that sunshine. Jeno, that sunshine was prettier than anything I had ever seen in my entire life. It was golden and warm and the water it hit looked like a pool of magic right in front of me. I couldn't look away. I've never looked at the sun the same ever since.”

He pulled himself away from Jeno, easily escaping the hold now, and took a good look at the boy's face. His hands moved on its own, gently caressing the sharp features on Jeno's face, in awe at the beauty of him. It didn't help that Jeno was just sitting there, letting him do whatever he wanted, the soft smile on his lips sending electric currents to Jaemin's chest.

Beautiful.

“When I first saw you that day in the rain, I didn't immediately fall head over heels for you. It wasn't the usual, movie-ish type of love at first sight. You were a normal boy, someone I would have appreciated for the looks but that would've been about it.” Jeno pouted playfully, but Jaemin pressed a lingering kiss on it to wipe it away. “Don't get me wrong, sunshine, you're beautiful. You're not what an average person would look like. But I didn't see how truly beautiful you were until I saw you from another angle, from a different perspective.”

His eyes moved slowly from the very top of Jeno's head, down to all his other features, and he settled on the eyes in the end. “You remind me of that day, when I fell in love with the sun.”

It felt so liberating, finally being able to put his feelings into words, to express them in hopes that Jeno understood just how much he really meant to him. What he felt for the person in front of him was frankly a bit too much, not even the stars in the whole universe could help him truly convey the exact truth. But with this he was content, just letting Jeno know how much he loved him.

“I know we've always talked about how much I love the rain, I mean, it's literally the thing that led us to meet the way we did. But the sun was my first pure love, and it will always be that.”

Beautiful. So, so beautiful. Jeno was too beautiful.

“Admittedly,” Jaemin felt his emotions all at once, and he wasn't sure of where to focus, “I did start calling you sunshine even before I realized what I know now. Back then you remind me of how warm the sun could be, how gentle and delicate, and so easy to love. But now, you're _my_ sunshine. That exact one that showed me how I am capable of feeling love. And just like the sun, I wasn't immediately in love with you from the very first time. Now, though? Now, I don't think even the word love is enough.”

It was unnerving, to see how Jeno's eyes comically widen at his words, to feel his jaws tense under his fingers. A sense of insecurity flooded his vision, but Jaemin thought about the exact moment he knew how in love he was with the boy in front of him, and he didn't ever want it to happen the same way again. It was now or never, even if his heart felt like exploding under the rocky determination.

“I'm still gonna say it, though.” He whispered, trying desperately to hide how his voice was shaking despite the smile on his face. “I love you. I love you so much that I can't even imagine my future without you. I love you much more than I've ever loved the sun, and the rain combined. I’ll love you even when the stars burn out and the sky breaks apart. And I think I've always been in love with you.”

The future was a mystery, a riddle he'd need to solve, but Jaemin was sure he'd still love Jeno even when the end of the universe was to come, when everything would be nothing but dust. He'd still be so in love, because as long as there was a reason not to, he had every reason to continue.

“You don't have to say it back, though. I know my dramatic ass is kind of intolerable- shit are you crying?”

Jeno laughed, his boisterous voice bouncing off the walls as tears streamed down his face, not quite the reaction Jaemin had even imagined to get and he was very much confused. Did he say something funny? Or something very sad? What was he supposed to do with this situation?

“That was the most beautiful words I've had ever heard in my whole life. And it's for me. That was all for me. Oh my god, I'm crying. I'm actually crying.”

Jaemin blinked, finding himself oddly smiling despite being dumbfounded. “Yeah. You kinda are.”

“Oh my god.” Jeno ran out of Jaemin's grasp, grabbing the tissue box ready on the nightstand. He started furiously wiping his face, getting rid of all the tears and snot until his skin was red. Jaemin was quite concerned at this point.

“You're so unfair. This is what I get for falling in love with an English lit student.” He wailed. Jaemin wasn't quite sure if that was a good thing, given the situation. His heart skipped a beat. “I wanted to confess after finals end, right after your last paper and I had this whole date idea to take you out to this dog cafe in the town and I even had Hyuck and Mark on it.”

Jaemin couldn't find anything to say. Jeno wasn't giving him a window to do so anyway.

The ravenhead threw the tissue box to the floor, fist clenching around the used tissues before he continued talking with only a single breath. “I mean, considering that I'm so fucking in love with you, I hate that my brain only went as far as asking you to move in with me into my apartment next semester and adopt a kitten with you because I'm so bad at words and I didn't want to just say I love you and that's it. But I love you, I love you so much but I'm so bad at expressing it and I was hoping that I wouldn't disappoint you because I didn't know what to say and I still don't. You make me speechless because you say the most beautiful things and I hate giving you crappy words back because I know you love poetry and delicate words and I really don't know how you do it but I love you so much it hurts. My brain is everywhere and my sentences don't even make sense now and I'm confessing to you like this oh god-”

It probably wasn't the best thing to do, seeing that they both were not exactly lacking in the muscle department but Jaemin just had to run towards Jeno, exactly where he stood. He didn't even care if his heart had officially stopped.

“ _Please_ ,” he said into Jeno's neck, unable to contain how happy he was, “say it again.”

“I love you,” his sunshine whispered breathlessly, pulling Jaemin closer into his chest, “I’ve been for quite some time now.”

Everything felt like a dream in the moment. He had been so ready to wait for Jeno, just in case love was a bit too early for him. He had been alright with waiting, so alright to feel in love by himself. Jaemin thought he’d have to still give it time for his sunrise to come, but it had always been there, just a heartbeat away. His to hold, and his to cherish.

“I love you.”

 

 The rain may bring him joy unlike others, but the sun lets him know that he was loved back.

  
  
  


 

 

 

_“So, you want me to move in huh?”_

_“I also said kitten. Extra emphasis on that one too, please.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this one is in so many directions but i hope you enjoyed reading! have a nice day and i genuinely wish for everyone's happiness!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/yongvessel) || [cc](https://curiouscat.me/emptyvessel)


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